One step forward, two steps back. It seems to be my motto lately. I was feeling such hope, and then in a flash it was gone. And I spent days not wanting to get out of my pj's and off the couch. I know what the catalyst was, realizing my secondary losses can send me spiraling down in an instant. I'm just not sure I can avoid facing these secondary losses.
Wednesday night, I went to book club which was always something I used to enjoy. And it really hit me. I'm no longer running it, another loss.
I was sitting around the table with a bunch of wives, and I realized I am a widow. I don't fit in. I don't fit in a group I used to thrive in. Another loss.
And almost everyone there expected me to be the person I once was. Someone I honestly know I will never be again. I miss who I once was. Someone who believed that life was good, who knew her life was blessed. Now, I know the truth. Life can be harsh, life can hurt, life can burn. Another loss.
There was also no privacy. Multiple people asked me if I was seeing a therapist. Would they have felt it was OK to ask if I didn't lose my husband? Probably not. They asked if I was working, how I was spending my days since I'm not. When I am going to go back. There were no boundaries, another loss.
And then I had to go home. To babysitters, and not my husband. The stark reality hit me. I am alone. I am no longer part of a couple, a team. I miss having someone to come home to, someone to care about my day. Someone to help with the kids, the house, to help me figure out my thoughts. Someone to bring me soup when I'm sick, to listen to me vent, to care if I don't come home. Another loss.
I wonder how long it will take me to figure out all of my secondary losses. Everyday I find another loss.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Hope
Today, I feel a little hope. Hope that I will make it through this. Hope that I will make it through stronger. Hope that my kids will make it through. Hope that we will be OK. Probably because I spoke with S, another young widow. And set it up so I can take the kids to a support group.
And then, my heart breaks. I am going to make it through this. Without Bryan. The thing I have to make it through is life without Bryan. Without Bryan.
And then, my heart breaks. I am going to make it through this. Without Bryan. The thing I have to make it through is life without Bryan. Without Bryan.
Monday, April 5, 2010
Our love story
Bryan and I were work acquaintances for years. He told me that he had a crush on me, but since I was older (and "out of his league") he never pursued it. Bryan actually was able to tell me what I wore to my cousin's graduation party to a tee!! And I always thought he was cute and sweet. While looking at pictures from the Yankee 2001 World Series games, Bryan told me "wow you look really beautiful in that picture. You always look pretty, but you look beautiful when you are happy". It made me wonder why I wasn't dating someone like him. I went to the deli frequently to see if he was interested, but he didn't.
Fast forward a couple of months, and my aunt talked to Bryan about going to the movies with me. I had hurt my shoulder and was driving her nuts at home. Bry agreed and we ended up seeing In the Bedroom. I can honestly say that I have never felt chemistry like that before. Sitting next to him in the theater, I knew it was something more than friends watching a movie. We ended up getting lunch at a nearby chinese restaurant. We talked and laughed for hours. It only ended (with a hug!) because I had a commitment. Our second date was the next day, at a mexican restaurant. I so wanted to kiss him, but it ended again (he had a commitment) with just a hug. He called me later that night, and I teased him for cheating me out of a good night kiss. He more than made up for it the next night (apps and drinks at Bennigan's), with a heavy make out session in the car. I knew then I was going to marry him, and Bry told me later that he felt the same way. We talked about getting married the next date.
Our first date to our wedding day was 12 weeks apart. I have never been so sure of anything in my life. It just felt so right, so perfect, so my destiny. While every marriage has it's ups and downs, Bryan and I truly supported and loved each other. We were a united front. And our motto was "together, we can make it through anything". He left a job he loved, when it looked like I was going to have another difficult pregnancy. I left my night job, when he told me he was tired of sleeping at night by himself. Looking back at our marriage, I can see how much we grew together. Each of us drawing from each others strengths, complimenting each other in so many ways. True love.
Fast forward a couple of months, and my aunt talked to Bryan about going to the movies with me. I had hurt my shoulder and was driving her nuts at home. Bry agreed and we ended up seeing In the Bedroom. I can honestly say that I have never felt chemistry like that before. Sitting next to him in the theater, I knew it was something more than friends watching a movie. We ended up getting lunch at a nearby chinese restaurant. We talked and laughed for hours. It only ended (with a hug!) because I had a commitment. Our second date was the next day, at a mexican restaurant. I so wanted to kiss him, but it ended again (he had a commitment) with just a hug. He called me later that night, and I teased him for cheating me out of a good night kiss. He more than made up for it the next night (apps and drinks at Bennigan's), with a heavy make out session in the car. I knew then I was going to marry him, and Bry told me later that he felt the same way. We talked about getting married the next date.
Our first date to our wedding day was 12 weeks apart. I have never been so sure of anything in my life. It just felt so right, so perfect, so my destiny. While every marriage has it's ups and downs, Bryan and I truly supported and loved each other. We were a united front. And our motto was "together, we can make it through anything". He left a job he loved, when it looked like I was going to have another difficult pregnancy. I left my night job, when he told me he was tired of sleeping at night by himself. Looking back at our marriage, I can see how much we grew together. Each of us drawing from each others strengths, complimenting each other in so many ways. True love.
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Beautiful weather
sucks ass. It's as if mother nature is taunting me. "Look what you don't have", as I watch the couples together doing yard work. "Check out what your kids are missing" as we watch families play outside. "The sun is shining, the world is going on, " as no one is home to talk to. Because they are all doing yard work with their s.o. and playing with their families. And let's be honest, who really wants to talk to me. I bore and depress myself. Never mind those who don't have to deal with this every second of every day.
I HATE this nice weather. I HATE couples and families. I HATE myself, who I have become. I HATE this life. I HATE this LIFE. I HATE THIS LIFE.
Life sucks ass.
I HATE this nice weather. I HATE couples and families. I HATE myself, who I have become. I HATE this life. I HATE this LIFE. I HATE THIS LIFE.
Life sucks ass.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Anger
today I hate everything, everyone. So, I'm going to try and avoid the phone. Let my anger fester, without risking hurting anyone. It feels good to feel anything. I've been so numb. So, I thought I would list who I was angry at. To continue to feel
1. New brides, engaged couples. I want to scream at them that there is no happy ever after. Don't buy into the scam. Run, run away. Don't let someone become your everything. Because when they are gone, and they will be gone, you will be left with nothing. NOTHING!!!
2. Married couples because they have what I don't. Especially OLD married couples.
3. The stupid census bureau. I filled out the paperwork, and realized that there was no spot for widow. Which groups me with single parents. I am NOT a single parent. I never wanted to be one, never planned on being one. I do not want to be one. Please census people, let me check widow. I just want to be able to be able to qualify my single parent status as unwanted.
4. Those who "know what's best for me" or even better those that "understand what I am going through"
5. The people who have not called, sent me an email, facebook message. And trust me, I know who they are. While I may not remember everyone who was there, I completely remember who was not.
6. The ME office. How freakin' long does it take to find a cause of death? Do they not care that people are waiting? Do they not realize the agony of every day, not knowing?
7. Married couples who don't realize what they have. Hug them, love them. Soon, it will be all over for you too. And you will never have a chance to love them again. And I can tell you, that sucks and hurts and is just not pretty.
8. People who don't get how short life is. Because, it is waaayyyy too short.
9. Myself, for feeling so angry. For becoming this person. For losing things, forgetting things.For being such a crappy mom. For second guessing the love Bryan and I shared, his happiness.
10. Bryan. How could he leave me? How DARE he leave me? He promised me forever. Why didn't he give me forever?
Surprisingly, the one "thing" I am not angry at. God.
1. New brides, engaged couples. I want to scream at them that there is no happy ever after. Don't buy into the scam. Run, run away. Don't let someone become your everything. Because when they are gone, and they will be gone, you will be left with nothing. NOTHING!!!
2. Married couples because they have what I don't. Especially OLD married couples.
3. The stupid census bureau. I filled out the paperwork, and realized that there was no spot for widow. Which groups me with single parents. I am NOT a single parent. I never wanted to be one, never planned on being one. I do not want to be one. Please census people, let me check widow. I just want to be able to be able to qualify my single parent status as unwanted.
4. Those who "know what's best for me" or even better those that "understand what I am going through"
5. The people who have not called, sent me an email, facebook message. And trust me, I know who they are. While I may not remember everyone who was there, I completely remember who was not.
6. The ME office. How freakin' long does it take to find a cause of death? Do they not care that people are waiting? Do they not realize the agony of every day, not knowing?
7. Married couples who don't realize what they have. Hug them, love them. Soon, it will be all over for you too. And you will never have a chance to love them again. And I can tell you, that sucks and hurts and is just not pretty.
8. People who don't get how short life is. Because, it is waaayyyy too short.
9. Myself, for feeling so angry. For becoming this person. For losing things, forgetting things.For being such a crappy mom. For second guessing the love Bryan and I shared, his happiness.
10. Bryan. How could he leave me? How DARE he leave me? He promised me forever. Why didn't he give me forever?
Surprisingly, the one "thing" I am not angry at. God.
Monday, March 22, 2010
should have been ...
the guy who didn't care about his wife. Who cheats, beats, or is just plain old mean. NOT someone who would call his wife just to say he loved her, who brought his wife coffee every morning, who provided so well for his family, spiritually, emotionally, monetarily.
the dead beat dad, who walked away from his family. Not a father who sang every night to his children, who hugged and kissed them every chance he got, who never missed a chance to say how proud he was of them.
the man who never made anything of himself. Who blamed others for everything and anything. NOT someone who took responsibility, who tried daily to better himself.
me. Bryan was the better parent. The nicer person (always willing to see other people's side of a story). A more supportive partner. Better prepared to handle this.
It should have been anyone else. NOT Bryan.
the dead beat dad, who walked away from his family. Not a father who sang every night to his children, who hugged and kissed them every chance he got, who never missed a chance to say how proud he was of them.
the man who never made anything of himself. Who blamed others for everything and anything. NOT someone who took responsibility, who tried daily to better himself.
me. Bryan was the better parent. The nicer person (always willing to see other people's side of a story). A more supportive partner. Better prepared to handle this.
It should have been anyone else. NOT Bryan.
One Month Today
One month ago today, my life was perfect. We had returned from a long weekend away as a family. Bryan brought me coffee in bed, like he always did and kissed me goodbye. We went to work (school for the kids), and did the normal daily hustle. Bryan sang the kids their goodnight song, and we had our usual Monday night date at home. He went to bed, I stayed up to watch TV. The last thing he said to me was "I'm looking forward to sleeping next to you tonight".
Then my world changed. I have relived Monday night over and over. Finding him unresponsive on the floor of our bedroom (after hearing a yell), calling 911, calling family, giving him a breath, the emergency crew in our house, hearing them say "dial it to 200", knowing what was happening, refusing to believe it. Thinking about all the things I could have done differently, should have done differently.
And now, this is my world. How is this my world? How am I picking out his urn? Worrying about thank you cards for (the amazing amount) of support we have received? How am I facing life without him? Because in reality, life without my best friend, in a word, SUCKS. I'm not sure how to do this.
Then my world changed. I have relived Monday night over and over. Finding him unresponsive on the floor of our bedroom (after hearing a yell), calling 911, calling family, giving him a breath, the emergency crew in our house, hearing them say "dial it to 200", knowing what was happening, refusing to believe it. Thinking about all the things I could have done differently, should have done differently.
And now, this is my world. How is this my world? How am I picking out his urn? Worrying about thank you cards for (the amazing amount) of support we have received? How am I facing life without him? Because in reality, life without my best friend, in a word, SUCKS. I'm not sure how to do this.
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