Tuesday, March 23, 2010


today I hate everything, everyone. So, I'm going to try and avoid the phone. Let my anger fester, without risking hurting anyone. It feels good to feel anything. I've been so numb. So, I thought I would list who I was angry at. To continue to feel

1. New brides, engaged couples. I want to scream at them that there is no happy ever after. Don't buy into the scam. Run, run away. Don't let someone become your everything. Because when they are gone, and they will be gone, you will be left with nothing. NOTHING!!!
2. Married couples because they have what I don't. Especially OLD married couples.
3. The stupid census bureau. I filled out the paperwork, and realized that there was no spot for widow. Which groups me with single parents. I am NOT a single parent. I never wanted to be one, never planned on being one. I do not want to be one. Please census people, let me check widow. I just want to be able to be able to qualify my single parent status as unwanted.
4. Those who "know what's best for me" or even better those that "understand what I am going through"
5. The people who have not called, sent me an email, facebook message. And trust me, I know who they are. While I may not remember everyone who was there, I completely remember who was not.
6. The ME office. How freakin' long does it take to find a cause of death? Do they not care that people are waiting? Do they not realize the agony of every day, not knowing?
7. Married couples who don't realize what they have. Hug them, love them. Soon, it will be all over for you too. And you will never have a chance to love them again. And I can tell you, that sucks and hurts and is just not pretty.
8. People who don't get how short life is. Because, it is waaayyyy too short.
9. Myself, for feeling so angry. For becoming this person. For losing things, forgetting things.For being such a crappy mom. For second guessing the love Bryan and I shared, his happiness.
10. Bryan. How could he leave me? How DARE he leave me? He promised me forever. Why didn't he give me forever?

Surprisingly, the one "thing" I am not angry at. God.

Monday, March 22, 2010

should have been ...

the guy who didn't care about his wife. Who cheats, beats, or is just plain old mean. NOT someone who would call his wife just to say he loved her, who brought his wife coffee every morning, who provided so well for his family, spiritually, emotionally, monetarily.

the dead beat dad, who walked away from his family. Not a father who sang every night to his children, who hugged and kissed them every chance he got, who never missed a chance to say how proud he was of them.

the man who never made anything of himself. Who blamed others for everything and anything. NOT someone who took responsibility, who tried daily to better himself.

me. Bryan was the better parent. The nicer person (always willing to see other people's side of a story). A more supportive partner. Better prepared to handle this.

It should have been anyone else. NOT Bryan.

One Month Today

One month ago today, my life was perfect. We had returned from a long weekend away as a family. Bryan brought me coffee in bed, like he always did and kissed me goodbye. We went to work (school for the kids), and did the normal daily hustle. Bryan sang the kids their goodnight song, and we had our usual Monday night date at home. He went to bed, I stayed up to watch TV. The last thing he said to me was "I'm looking forward to sleeping next to you tonight".

Then my world changed. I have relived Monday night over and over. Finding him unresponsive on the floor of our bedroom (after hearing a yell), calling 911, calling family, giving him a breath, the emergency crew in our house, hearing them say "dial it to 200", knowing what was happening, refusing to believe it. Thinking about all the things I could have done differently, should have done differently.

And now, this is my world. How is this my world? How am I picking out his urn? Worrying about thank you cards for (the amazing amount) of support we have received? How am I facing life without him? Because in reality, life without my best friend, in a word, SUCKS. I'm not sure how to do this.