One step forward, two steps back. It seems to be my motto lately. I was feeling such hope, and then in a flash it was gone. And I spent days not wanting to get out of my pj's and off the couch. I know what the catalyst was, realizing my secondary losses can send me spiraling down in an instant. I'm just not sure I can avoid facing these secondary losses.
Wednesday night, I went to book club which was always something I used to enjoy. And it really hit me. I'm no longer running it, another loss.
I was sitting around the table with a bunch of wives, and I realized I am a widow. I don't fit in. I don't fit in a group I used to thrive in. Another loss.
And almost everyone there expected me to be the person I once was. Someone I honestly know I will never be again. I miss who I once was. Someone who believed that life was good, who knew her life was blessed. Now, I know the truth. Life can be harsh, life can hurt, life can burn. Another loss.
There was also no privacy. Multiple people asked me if I was seeing a therapist. Would they have felt it was OK to ask if I didn't lose my husband? Probably not. They asked if I was working, how I was spending my days since I'm not. When I am going to go back. There were no boundaries, another loss.
And then I had to go home. To babysitters, and not my husband. The stark reality hit me. I am alone. I am no longer part of a couple, a team. I miss having someone to come home to, someone to care about my day. Someone to help with the kids, the house, to help me figure out my thoughts. Someone to bring me soup when I'm sick, to listen to me vent, to care if I don't come home. Another loss.
I wonder how long it will take me to figure out all of my secondary losses. Everyday I find another loss.