One step forward, two steps back. It seems to be my motto lately. I was feeling such hope, and then in a flash it was gone. And I spent days not wanting to get out of my pj's and off the couch. I know what the catalyst was, realizing my secondary losses can send me spiraling down in an instant. I'm just not sure I can avoid facing these secondary losses.
Wednesday night, I went to book club which was always something I used to enjoy. And it really hit me. I'm no longer running it, another loss.
I was sitting around the table with a bunch of wives, and I realized I am a widow. I don't fit in. I don't fit in a group I used to thrive in. Another loss.
And almost everyone there expected me to be the person I once was. Someone I honestly know I will never be again. I miss who I once was. Someone who believed that life was good, who knew her life was blessed. Now, I know the truth. Life can be harsh, life can hurt, life can burn. Another loss.
There was also no privacy. Multiple people asked me if I was seeing a therapist. Would they have felt it was OK to ask if I didn't lose my husband? Probably not. They asked if I was working, how I was spending my days since I'm not. When I am going to go back. There were no boundaries, another loss.
And then I had to go home. To babysitters, and not my husband. The stark reality hit me. I am alone. I am no longer part of a couple, a team. I miss having someone to come home to, someone to care about my day. Someone to help with the kids, the house, to help me figure out my thoughts. Someone to bring me soup when I'm sick, to listen to me vent, to care if I don't come home. Another loss.
I wonder how long it will take me to figure out all of my secondary losses. Everyday I find another loss.
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Yes, I know that feeling. One loss after another, the losses inside the losses like the Russian nesting boxes; they come packaged together.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry, sweetie. It's so not fair. It sucks. It sucks a lot.
(((((HUGS))))))
Welcome to the widow sisterhood, the club nobody wants to join.
Please keep writing. I love your blog...
I second Hira's comments. Some things you don't expect. Like the secondary losses.
ReplyDeleteMy husband has been dead over 2 years, and I haven't taught my daughter (now 7) to tie her shoes OR ride her bike. That's his job. Those are sort of my last holdouts.
Hugs and prayer for you... thanks for opening yourself up so soon, so that others can follow you on this journey.
I lost my husband of 38 years last March. Unfortunately I understand...I think no death is quite like the death of your best beloved. I've been writing in a blog but I worry it's too dark to share right now...maybe I'll have the courage to share it soon thanks to you. Hugs to you, and keep writing.
ReplyDeleteDearest Melissa,
ReplyDeleteOh, your words in every post are so familiar. I know that pain, that ache, that feeling that there is hope- then bam, that pain all over again. I'm glad you have a way to let your feelings out. Blogging was one of the only things that helped me in the first few months.
Sending you encouraging thoughts and hugs.
Erica