Sunday, September 19, 2010

More realizations

After I wrote my previous post I realized I am back in the blahs. Knowing that I will never be happy again. That I will always know how harsh life can be. That death is always around the corner. And that I will always wonder what life with Bryan would have been like. And that makes me so sad.

But, I also feel like I can't tell people that. That people want me to be OK. Maybe even need me to be OK. And I want to be able to do that for them. Because they have all done so much for me. And it makes me feel so much more alone.

This sucks.


I want my old life back. I am sitting here, thinking about what I had. What I have lost. And it seems so unfair. I want a partner. I want my kids to have a father. I want someone to sit next to in church. I want someone to hold my hand while walking. I want someone to hold me in their arms at night.

Scratch that. I don't want someone. I want Bryan. I. Want. Bryan. I WANT BRYAN!!!!!!!!

And as happy as I am now, it's not even an eighth of as happy as I once was. And that seems so incredibly unfair. That I will never be as happy as I once was. I will forever have a part of me that misses Bryan, that misses what I once had. I will never ever be truly happy.

What a depressing thought.

Friday, September 17, 2010

Only the lonely

I am still feeling pretty happy. Just the old general content with life happy. Which is nice. I've missed it. I've missed me.

Tonight, the kids and I went out to dinner with friends. Friends that Bry and I considered to be like family. I had fun, the kids had fun, and I know Bry would have had fun (which made the night a little hard). I missed Bryan. But, I still laughed.

And then we came home. I got the kids to bed pretty easily. And now, I'm sitting here wasting time before bed. I miss having someone to talk to at night. Someone to laugh about the lack of tater tots at the restaurant. Or to talk about the movie we all plan on seeing together.

But most of all, I miss having someone to curl up next to. Someone to put their arms around me. Someone to make me feel safe and secure. Which makes me feel lonely. And lonely is well, pretty lonely.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

sink or swim

I have always loved fall. The cool crisp weather after the thick mugginess of summer. The smell of new pencils and school supplies. Having to switch over the clothes. Not to mention all the fall events; corn mazes, apple picking, football games, pumpkin picking. It just strikes me as a new start, a new year.

This summer I have been dreading fall, it was both of our favorite season. I didn't want to face it without Bryan. I was focused on all the things we won't be able to do together. But something has shifted in me, I can't really put it into words. I'm OK with moving forward. I know I have to move forward, or I'll sink. And I have made a conscious decision to swim. Fake it until I make it, and now I'm starting to make it!!!

I have been taking stock in me as the season has started to change. And I've realized something amazing about myself. I am strong, stronger than I ever gave myself credit for. (and yes, I do hate when people say that to me. But I have to admit it's true!) I also have this new perspective, I realize how little most things really our. And sure, my floors have dust bunnies and there are dishes in my sink. But the kids are happy. And that's all that really matters.

I also know (and accept) that this feeling of being OK won't last forever. That I will slip back into the blahs. And that is OK too. Because I know will be able to swim out of it.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010


I wrote this right before my birthday, and have toyed with posting vs. editing it. I've noticed my writing is kind of crappy when I am upset, but it's honest. So, I've decided to risk it and let you guys read my thoughts as they came. I will tell you tears were pouring out of my eyes as I wrote this...

Today, I was cleaning out Bryan's work bag and I found it. Proof that he really was the amazing husband I remember him as. Proof that we had an amazing relationship. Proof that he really loved me and was happy with me. I found a card. Not just any card. But an I love you, life is perfect with you, and look forward to spending forever with you card. And he had already given me a Valentine's Day card. So this was a just because card. It would have made me smile before. Today, it made me drop to my knees and cry. And then it made me angry with him.

I had a fairy tale marriage, to my prince charming who loved me more than anything. He was perfect for me and a great guy. Which makes this so incredibly hard. I accept that sucky things happen. That I will see him again on the other side. I get that. But I miss him so much.

I miss him because he was such a great husband and father. A man who sings to his kids every night and buys his wife love cards just because. If he was a crappier partner and dad, we wouldn't miss him so much. And I am so angry with him for being so perfect.


I have been off the crazy meds for a while now. And I am not sure how it is going. I am functioning; the kids cared for, I am dressed everyday and the house is my new clean (you can't eat off the floors, but the house won't be condemmed either). But I miss having the edge taken off. When I was on the meds, I felt fuzzy around the edges. That things didn't penetrate me as much.

And part of me wants to take them again. To not have to focus on this pain so much. I miss Bryan. I want him back. I know it won't happen. And it hurts. So much.

I will be honest here too. I have taken to spending money. On back to school supplies and clothes for the kids, clothes for me (justified in my mind because I've lost all this weight), and things to "redo" the house. It takes the edge off for a little bit. The excitement of a great deal, the new items. Without Bryan to hold me accountable for my spending, it's a little out of control. It's as if I am trying to buy Bryan. The feeling I got when he was around. His hugs.

If only I could buy Bryan back!

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Faking it

My motto has been "fake it until you make it". And I'm not sure how well I am doing at that. I feel like a house of cards that is about to collapse.

I don't care about my patients at work. I really don't. And I know that is a horrible trait for a nurse to have. But I especially hate the ones I have right now. They are whiny, demanding, and have no concept of reality. Who calls some one 6 minutes after the scheduled visit (and really, I give myself a 30 minute window) and states "you're late", without even a hello first. Or who's baby shower is "ruined" because I show up 15 minutes early. I just want to yell at them. Tell them that they have no idea how horrible life can be. And if their biggest complaint is because their visiting nurse didn't show up on time (and let's be honest, how unreasonable is it to expect a visiting nurse to show up at an exact time?), they should get on their knees and thank their lucky stars. I am not trying to be woe is me, just want people to have a little perspective. And not be such bitches.

I also feel like a horrible mom. The kids drive me crazy on a daily basis. The fighting, the yelling, the whining, the not cleaning up after themselves. My list could go on and on. And every time I have to deal with them, I am reminded that I am a single parent. I never wanted to be doing this alone. And let me tell you. It sucks. And I am not just a single parent, I am a widowed parent. I am dealing with my grief, their grief, and trying to be "OK" for the rest of the world. All at the same time, that is a lot harder than being a single parent. I resent every person who tries to make comparisons. Or worse, the people who state "my so is gone all week, I know what it's like". Really, you do? Because you have weekends off, you aren't dealing with your hopes and dreams being shattered. And if you are a single parent because of divorce, someone made the choice. Chose to be with someone else, to fall out of love, to take the easy way out. Again, get a little perspective people.

I am at my wits end, trying to pretend. I am not OK. Everything will not be ok. Why can't people see that? Can't they see through my house of cards?