Saturday, April 10, 2010

Another loss

One step forward, two steps back. It seems to be my motto lately. I was feeling such hope, and then in a flash it was gone. And I spent days not wanting to get out of my pj's and off the couch. I know what the catalyst was, realizing my secondary losses can send me spiraling down in an instant. I'm just not sure I can avoid facing these secondary losses.

Wednesday night, I went to book club which was always something I used to enjoy. And it really hit me. I'm no longer running it, another loss.

I was sitting around the table with a bunch of wives, and I realized I am a widow. I don't fit in. I don't fit in a group I used to thrive in. Another loss.

And almost everyone there expected me to be the person I once was. Someone I honestly know I will never be again. I miss who I once was. Someone who believed that life was good, who knew her life was blessed. Now, I know the truth. Life can be harsh, life can hurt, life can burn. Another loss.

There was also no privacy. Multiple people asked me if I was seeing a therapist. Would they have felt it was OK to ask if I didn't lose my husband? Probably not. They asked if I was working, how I was spending my days since I'm not. When I am going to go back. There were no boundaries, another loss.

And then I had to go home. To babysitters, and not my husband. The stark reality hit me. I am alone. I am no longer part of a couple, a team. I miss having someone to come home to, someone to care about my day. Someone to help with the kids, the house, to help me figure out my thoughts. Someone to bring me soup when I'm sick, to listen to me vent, to care if I don't come home. Another loss.

I wonder how long it will take me to figure out all of my secondary losses. Everyday I find another loss.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010


Today, I feel a little hope. Hope that I will make it through this. Hope that I will make it through stronger. Hope that my kids will make it through. Hope that we will be OK. Probably because I spoke with S, another young widow. And set it up so I can take the kids to a support group.

And then, my heart breaks. I am going to make it through this. Without Bryan. The thing I have to make it through is life without Bryan. Without Bryan.

Monday, April 5, 2010

Our love story

Bryan and I were work acquaintances for years. He told me that he had a crush on me, but since I was older (and "out of his league") he never pursued it. Bryan actually was able to tell me what I wore to my cousin's graduation party to a tee!! And I always thought he was cute and sweet. While looking at pictures from the Yankee 2001 World Series games, Bryan told me "wow you look really beautiful in that picture. You always look pretty, but you look beautiful when you are happy". It made me wonder why I wasn't dating someone like him. I went to the deli frequently to see if he was interested, but he didn't.

Fast forward a couple of months, and my aunt talked to Bryan about going to the movies with me. I had hurt my shoulder and was driving her nuts at home. Bry agreed and we ended up seeing In the Bedroom. I can honestly say that I have never felt chemistry like that before. Sitting next to him in the theater, I knew it was something more than friends watching a movie. We ended up getting lunch at a nearby chinese restaurant. We talked and laughed for hours. It only ended (with a hug!) because I had a commitment. Our second date was the next day, at a mexican restaurant. I so wanted to kiss him, but it ended again (he had a commitment) with just a hug. He called me later that night, and I teased him for cheating me out of a good night kiss. He more than made up for it the next night (apps and drinks at Bennigan's), with a heavy make out session in the car. I knew then I was going to marry him, and Bry told me later that he felt the same way. We talked about getting married the next date.

Our first date to our wedding day was 12 weeks apart. I have never been so sure of anything in my life. It just felt so right, so perfect, so my destiny. While every marriage has it's ups and downs, Bryan and I truly supported and loved each other. We were a united front. And our motto was "together, we can make it through anything". He left a job he loved, when it looked like I was going to have another difficult pregnancy. I left my night job, when he told me he was tired of sleeping at night by himself. Looking back at our marriage, I can see how much we grew together. Each of us drawing from each others strengths, complimenting each other in so many ways. True love.

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Beautiful weather

sucks ass. It's as if mother nature is taunting me. "Look what you don't have", as I watch the couples together doing yard work. "Check out what your kids are missing" as we watch families play outside. "The sun is shining, the world is going on, " as no one is home to talk to. Because they are all doing yard work with their s.o. and playing with their families. And let's be honest, who really wants to talk to me. I bore and depress myself. Never mind those who don't have to deal with this every second of every day.

I HATE this nice weather. I HATE couples and families. I HATE myself, who I have become. I HATE this life. I HATE this LIFE. I HATE THIS LIFE.

Life sucks ass.