My motto has been "fake it until you make it". And I'm not sure how well I am doing at that. I feel like a house of cards that is about to collapse.
I don't care about my patients at work. I really don't. And I know that is a horrible trait for a nurse to have. But I especially hate the ones I have right now. They are whiny, demanding, and have no concept of reality. Who calls some one 6 minutes after the scheduled visit (and really, I give myself a 30 minute window) and states "you're late", without even a hello first. Or who's baby shower is "ruined" because I show up 15 minutes early. I just want to yell at them. Tell them that they have no idea how horrible life can be. And if their biggest complaint is because their visiting nurse didn't show up on time (and let's be honest, how unreasonable is it to expect a visiting nurse to show up at an exact time?), they should get on their knees and thank their lucky stars. I am not trying to be woe is me, just want people to have a little perspective. And not be such bitches.
I also feel like a horrible mom. The kids drive me crazy on a daily basis. The fighting, the yelling, the whining, the not cleaning up after themselves. My list could go on and on. And every time I have to deal with them, I am reminded that I am a single parent. I never wanted to be doing this alone. And let me tell you. It sucks. And I am not just a single parent, I am a widowed parent. I am dealing with my grief, their grief, and trying to be "OK" for the rest of the world. All at the same time, that is a lot harder than being a single parent. I resent every person who tries to make comparisons. Or worse, the people who state "my so is gone all week, I know what it's like". Really, you do? Because you have weekends off, you aren't dealing with your hopes and dreams being shattered. And if you are a single parent because of divorce, someone made the choice. Chose to be with someone else, to fall out of love, to take the easy way out. Again, get a little perspective people.
I am at my wits end, trying to pretend. I am not OK. Everything will not be ok. Why can't people see that? Can't they see through my house of cards?