meds

I have been off the crazy meds for a while now. And I am not sure how it is going. I am functioning; the kids cared for, I am dressed everyday and the house is my new clean (you can't eat off the floors, but the house won't be condemmed either). But I miss having the edge taken off. When I was on the meds, I felt fuzzy around the edges. That things didn't penetrate me as much.

And part of me wants to take them again. To not have to focus on this pain so much. I miss Bryan. I want him back. I know it won't happen. And it hurts. So much.

I will be honest here too. I have taken to spending money. On back to school supplies and clothes for the kids, clothes for me (justified in my mind because I've lost all this weight), and things to "redo" the house. It takes the edge off for a little bit. The excitement of a great deal, the new items. Without Bryan to hold me accountable for my spending, it's a little out of control. It's as if I am trying to buy Bryan. The feeling I got when he was around. His hugs.

If only I could buy Bryan back!