Proof

I wrote this right before my birthday, and have toyed with posting vs. editing it. I've noticed my writing is kind of crappy when I am upset, but it's honest. So, I've decided to risk it and let you guys read my thoughts as they came. I will tell you tears were pouring out of my eyes as I wrote this...

Today, I was cleaning out Bryan's work bag and I found it. Proof that he really was the amazing husband I remember him as. Proof that we had an amazing relationship. Proof that he really loved me and was happy with me. I found a card. Not just any card. But an I love you, life is perfect with you, and look forward to spending forever with you card. And he had already given me a Valentine's Day card. So this was a just because card. It would have made me smile before. Today, it made me drop to my knees and cry. And then it made me angry with him.

I had a fairy tale marriage, to my prince charming who loved me more than anything. He was perfect for me and a great guy. Which makes this so incredibly hard. I accept that sucky things happen. That I will see him again on the other side. I get that. But I miss him so much.

I miss him because he was such a great husband and father. A man who sings to his kids every night and buys his wife love cards just because. If he was a crappier partner and dad, we wouldn't miss him so much. And I am so angry with him for being so perfect.

meds

I have been off the crazy meds for a while now. And I am not sure how it is going. I am functioning; the kids cared for, I am dressed everyday and the house is my new clean (you can't eat off the floors, but the house won't be condemmed either). But I miss having the edge taken off. When I was on the meds, I felt fuzzy around the edges. That things didn't penetrate me as much.

And part of me wants to take them again. To not have to focus on this pain so much. I miss Bryan. I want him back. I know it won't happen. And it hurts. So much.

I will be honest here too. I have taken to spending money. On back to school supplies and clothes for the kids, clothes for me (justified in my mind because I've lost all this weight), and things to "redo" the house. It takes the edge off for a little bit. The excitement of a great deal, the new items. Without Bryan to hold me accountable for my spending, it's a little out of control. It's as if I am trying to buy Bryan. The feeling I got when he was around. His hugs.

If only I could buy Bryan back!

Faking it

My motto has been "fake it until you make it". And I'm not sure how well I am doing at that. I feel like a house of cards that is about to collapse.

I don't care about my patients at work. I really don't. And I know that is a horrible trait for a nurse to have. But I especially hate the ones I have right now. They are whiny, demanding, and have no concept of reality. Who calls some one 6 minutes after the scheduled visit (and really, I give myself a 30 minute window) and states "you're late", without even a hello first. Or who's baby shower is "ruined" because I show up 15 minutes early. I just want to yell at them. Tell them that they have no idea how horrible life can be. And if their biggest complaint is because their visiting nurse didn't show up on time (and let's be honest, how unreasonable is it to expect a visiting nurse to show up at an exact time?), they should get on their knees and thank their lucky stars. I am not trying to be woe is me, just want people to have a little perspective. And not be such bitches.

I also feel like a horrible mom. The kids drive me crazy on a daily basis. The fighting, the yelling, the whining, the not cleaning up after themselves. My list could go on and on. And every time I have to deal with them, I am reminded that I am a single parent. I never wanted to be doing this alone. And let me tell you. It sucks. And I am not just a single parent, I am a widowed parent. I am dealing with my grief, their grief, and trying to be "OK" for the rest of the world. All at the same time, that is a lot harder than being a single parent. I resent every person who tries to make comparisons. Or worse, the people who state "my so is gone all week, I know what it's like". Really, you do? Because you have weekends off, you aren't dealing with your hopes and dreams being shattered. And if you are a single parent because of divorce, someone made the choice. Chose to be with someone else, to fall out of love, to take the easy way out. Again, get a little perspective people.

I am at my wits end, trying to pretend. I am not OK. Everything will not be ok. Why can't people see that? Can't they see through my house of cards?

Vertigo

I have been suffering from occasional vertigo. I read somewhere in the begining of all of this, that it is common in widows. It seemed like a random ailment.

And then I started to suffer from it. It hits out of no where, without warning. Sometimes it's brief, and sometimes it lasts hours.

Today was a hard day at work. Just general crazies and mean people. It was annoying and upsetting. I would have called Bryan. He would have listened, sympathized, tried to "fix it" and then made me laugh. And while I was driving to a patients house, I realized I have no one to talk to. Yes, I do know that people love me and would listen. But they wouldn't have the system down like Bryan did.

And that's when today's vertigo started. I was feeling fine before that. I'm sure there is a medical reason why it happens to widows. But I've come up with my own. I think it's the bodies reaction to this new life of the perpetual feeling of being off kilter, so unsure of myself. And I need to find my new center of gravity, since Bryan was always it. I just wish it was a quick fix.

Dear Bryan,

I just wanted to let you know that I still do those things that annoy you. I throw scraps into the sink when I am cooking, I stuff the garbage way too tight (and you are right, that is annoying) and I fall asleep while watching movies.

But I am also doing new things too. I am worried about our budget all the time (ironic, now that the only person coming to the budget meetings is me!). I am handling the house stuff in stride (well, with some help from your dad). I am venturing into new things, without you to cheerlead me into them.

I miss all the little things about you. How your tongue stuck out while you were concentrating (Dylan does that too!). How you drove the long distances. How you took care of me when I was sick, sad or just plain annoyed. How WHENEVER you caught a glimpse of me naked you would smile and say "looking good" (and really, how cruel is it that I lost all this weight and you aren't here to enjoy it!!!). How the love you showed me and the kids was in everything you did.

I am also missing you everyday. Waiting to know the big picture. And I am slowly not just staying here for the kids. But for me, and for my new adventures. I am proud of who I am becoming. I hope you are too. I was so proud to be your wife. Every time I saw your wedding ring, I would think to myself "wow, he's mine!". And I proud to be your widow. To know, we made it. Forever. I just wish forever was a little longer.

All my love, forever and always,
Me

PS Where is your chili recipe?

friends

Went out with friends last night. Bry's friends. My friends now. And feel like maybe I talked about him too much. That I put a morbid twist on the night. But I had fun. I like them. A lot. And to be honest, I am so afraid of losing them too. Of their friendship being another secondary loss.

Then I came home, and realized AGAIN, that I am alone. But what was different this time was, I am OK with that. Not OK, because I'd give anything to have Bry back. But it's not such a crushing blow anymore. And I'm not sure how to feel about that. Because, in the end, I miss my friend.

They mock me I tell you!

Every time I open my kitchen cabinets, they mock me. Taunting me with memories. Sitting there so smugly, forcing me to remember. Remember all the meals we had together, the talks we had over them. But most of all, every time I look at one or worse use one, I am brought back to the day we registered for our wedding. We both wanted a different set. Bry wanted a brighter pattern (it was LOUD) and I wanted a simple understated set (aka plain white). We compromised and agreed on the ones that now mock me. Every time I open those cabinets, I think of how great we were at marriage. How we talked things through, came up with a compromise we were both happy with, but if we couldn't compromise, we settled things with Rock, Paper, Scissors. Every time I open the cabinets, they remind me of who I became with Bryan. We didn't get the plain white boring set I wanted because Bryan brought color into my life, he encouraged me to take chances. And every time I open those cabinets, they mock me with what I have lost. Who knew dishes could be so menacing, so mean, so emotion producing. I am starting to hate them, with a passion.

So I came up with a brilliant plan, if I do say so myself. I am going to break those dishes into pieces. I can picture myself letting go of all the anger, throwing each dish, hearing the shatter. And it makes me smile. A real smile. (I can hear the neighbors now, "Hello, is this the police? Yes, I believe the widow has really lost it! She's breaking dishes in her backyard!!") I just hope I get either an officer with a sense of humor, or one I know who will let it go!

And then after those menacing objects are a pile of pieces. I am going to have my friends over, my friends who have been helping me pick up my pieces, and we are going to make a mosaic piece. I can picture the finished project, and it makes me smile too. Because things can be just as beautiful, even once they are broken and put back together. Not the same, but still beautiful.

That will teach the dishes for mocking me. Hopefully, it will be a lesson for the rest of the house.

The Ride

I have become accustomed to the roller coaster ride of grief. I've even been able to joke about it. But this weekend has been a new low I haven't seen, nor was it one I was expecting.

Last forth of July I was sick with the swine flu. And didn't get to spend it with Bryan. And the year before, I worked at the hospital. Extra shifts, because there was a sick kid in the unit, and who would take care of her if I didn't. And the year before, I worked extra shifts for the money. In all honesty, I don't know that I really ever spent Independence Day with him. Curled up in his arms, sitting on a blanket, watching the fireworks. I know it is something we always meant to do, just something we never did.

And then I let myself go even lower on the ride. I started thinking about all the regrets. The comfy underwear I wore instead of the sexy ones, the nights I feel asleep watching movies with Bryan, the times he called but I was on the other line, the times I just wanted a few minutes to myself. The little things I let annoy me. The list got too long to even remember.

And then, I went even lower. I started thinking about all the decisions we had made. That had I known how our life would have ended up, I would have made differently. I would never had worked nights for all those years, I would have encouraged him to follow his dreams and not worry about the steady paycheck, the nights we did our own thing, instead of spending them together. And that list got too long to even face.

I haven't felt that low, or that alone in a long time. And I think what made it hardest for me, was the fact there was really no one there. I have been doing so well for the last few months, that I don't think anyone wanted to hear me say how hard it has been. Nor were they really around, not only was it a weekend (family time!) but a holiday to boot! Which has made me feel like a soda bottle, shaken not opened. Ready to explode. Afraid of the mess it would make one it did get opened

But, then like I almost forgot, I made it through the low. And I am on my way back up. Knowing I am stronger then I ever gave myself credit for. Proud of my chutzpa. And at the same time, a little sad knowing I had no choice.

I miss my cheerleader, at a time when I need him the most. And it hurts. More than words can say. And I wonder, if our motto was always "together, we can make it through". How can I make it through with out him?