More realizations

After I wrote my previous post I realized I am back in the blahs. Knowing that I will never be happy again. That I will always know how harsh life can be. That death is always around the corner. And that I will always wonder what life with Bryan would have been like. And that makes me so sad.

But, I also feel like I can't tell people that. That people want me to be OK. Maybe even need me to be OK. And I want to be able to do that for them. Because they have all done so much for me. And it makes me feel so much more alone.

This sucks.

wants

I want my old life back. I am sitting here, thinking about what I had. What I have lost. And it seems so unfair. I want a partner. I want my kids to have a father. I want someone to sit next to in church. I want someone to hold my hand while walking. I want someone to hold me in their arms at night.

Scratch that. I don't want someone. I want Bryan. I. Want. Bryan. I WANT BRYAN!!!!!!!!

And as happy as I am now, it's not even an eighth of as happy as I once was. And that seems so incredibly unfair. That I will never be as happy as I once was. I will forever have a part of me that misses Bryan, that misses what I once had. I will never ever be truly happy.

What a depressing thought.

Only the lonely

I am still feeling pretty happy. Just the old general content with life happy. Which is nice. I've missed it. I've missed me.

Tonight, the kids and I went out to dinner with friends. Friends that Bry and I considered to be like family. I had fun, the kids had fun, and I know Bry would have had fun (which made the night a little hard). I missed Bryan. But, I still laughed.

And then we came home. I got the kids to bed pretty easily. And now, I'm sitting here wasting time before bed. I miss having someone to talk to at night. Someone to laugh about the lack of tater tots at the restaurant. Or to talk about the movie we all plan on seeing together.

But most of all, I miss having someone to curl up next to. Someone to put their arms around me. Someone to make me feel safe and secure. Which makes me feel lonely. And lonely is well, pretty lonely.

sink or swim

I have always loved fall. The cool crisp weather after the thick mugginess of summer. The smell of new pencils and school supplies. Having to switch over the clothes. Not to mention all the fall events; corn mazes, apple picking, football games, pumpkin picking. It just strikes me as a new start, a new year.

This summer I have been dreading fall, it was both of our favorite season. I didn't want to face it without Bryan. I was focused on all the things we won't be able to do together. But something has shifted in me, I can't really put it into words. I'm OK with moving forward. I know I have to move forward, or I'll sink. And I have made a conscious decision to swim. Fake it until I make it, and now I'm starting to make it!!!

I have been taking stock in me as the season has started to change. And I've realized something amazing about myself. I am strong, stronger than I ever gave myself credit for. (and yes, I do hate when people say that to me. But I have to admit it's true!) I also have this new perspective, I realize how little most things really our. And sure, my floors have dust bunnies and there are dishes in my sink. But the kids are happy. And that's all that really matters.

I also know (and accept) that this feeling of being OK won't last forever. That I will slip back into the blahs. And that is OK too. Because I know will be able to swim out of it.