friends

Went out with friends last night. Bry's friends. My friends now. And feel like maybe I talked about him too much. That I put a morbid twist on the night. But I had fun. I like them. A lot. And to be honest, I am so afraid of losing them too. Of their friendship being another secondary loss.

Then I came home, and realized AGAIN, that I am alone. But what was different this time was, I am OK with that. Not OK, because I'd give anything to have Bry back. But it's not such a crushing blow anymore. And I'm not sure how to feel about that. Because, in the end, I miss my friend.

They mock me I tell you!

Every time I open my kitchen cabinets, they mock me. Taunting me with memories. Sitting there so smugly, forcing me to remember. Remember all the meals we had together, the talks we had over them. But most of all, every time I look at one or worse use one, I am brought back to the day we registered for our wedding. We both wanted a different set. Bry wanted a brighter pattern (it was LOUD) and I wanted a simple understated set (aka plain white). We compromised and agreed on the ones that now mock me. Every time I open those cabinets, I think of how great we were at marriage. How we talked things through, came up with a compromise we were both happy with, but if we couldn't compromise, we settled things with Rock, Paper, Scissors. Every time I open the cabinets, they remind me of who I became with Bryan. We didn't get the plain white boring set I wanted because Bryan brought color into my life, he encouraged me to take chances. And every time I open those cabinets, they mock me with what I have lost. Who knew dishes could be so menacing, so mean, so emotion producing. I am starting to hate them, with a passion.

So I came up with a brilliant plan, if I do say so myself. I am going to break those dishes into pieces. I can picture myself letting go of all the anger, throwing each dish, hearing the shatter. And it makes me smile. A real smile. (I can hear the neighbors now, "Hello, is this the police? Yes, I believe the widow has really lost it! She's breaking dishes in her backyard!!") I just hope I get either an officer with a sense of humor, or one I know who will let it go!

And then after those menacing objects are a pile of pieces. I am going to have my friends over, my friends who have been helping me pick up my pieces, and we are going to make a mosaic piece. I can picture the finished project, and it makes me smile too. Because things can be just as beautiful, even once they are broken and put back together. Not the same, but still beautiful.

That will teach the dishes for mocking me. Hopefully, it will be a lesson for the rest of the house.

The Ride

I have become accustomed to the roller coaster ride of grief. I've even been able to joke about it. But this weekend has been a new low I haven't seen, nor was it one I was expecting.

Last forth of July I was sick with the swine flu. And didn't get to spend it with Bryan. And the year before, I worked at the hospital. Extra shifts, because there was a sick kid in the unit, and who would take care of her if I didn't. And the year before, I worked extra shifts for the money. In all honesty, I don't know that I really ever spent Independence Day with him. Curled up in his arms, sitting on a blanket, watching the fireworks. I know it is something we always meant to do, just something we never did.

And then I let myself go even lower on the ride. I started thinking about all the regrets. The comfy underwear I wore instead of the sexy ones, the nights I feel asleep watching movies with Bryan, the times he called but I was on the other line, the times I just wanted a few minutes to myself. The little things I let annoy me. The list got too long to even remember.

And then, I went even lower. I started thinking about all the decisions we had made. That had I known how our life would have ended up, I would have made differently. I would never had worked nights for all those years, I would have encouraged him to follow his dreams and not worry about the steady paycheck, the nights we did our own thing, instead of spending them together. And that list got too long to even face.

I haven't felt that low, or that alone in a long time. And I think what made it hardest for me, was the fact there was really no one there. I have been doing so well for the last few months, that I don't think anyone wanted to hear me say how hard it has been. Nor were they really around, not only was it a weekend (family time!) but a holiday to boot! Which has made me feel like a soda bottle, shaken not opened. Ready to explode. Afraid of the mess it would make one it did get opened

But, then like I almost forgot, I made it through the low. And I am on my way back up. Knowing I am stronger then I ever gave myself credit for. Proud of my chutzpa. And at the same time, a little sad knowing I had no choice.

I miss my cheerleader, at a time when I need him the most. And it hurts. More than words can say. And I wonder, if our motto was always "together, we can make it through". How can I make it through with out him?

Another loss

One step forward, two steps back. It seems to be my motto lately. I was feeling such hope, and then in a flash it was gone. And I spent days not wanting to get out of my pj's and off the couch. I know what the catalyst was, realizing my secondary losses can send me spiraling down in an instant. I'm just not sure I can avoid facing these secondary losses.

Wednesday night, I went to book club which was always something I used to enjoy. And it really hit me. I'm no longer running it, another loss.

I was sitting around the table with a bunch of wives, and I realized I am a widow. I don't fit in. I don't fit in a group I used to thrive in. Another loss.

And almost everyone there expected me to be the person I once was. Someone I honestly know I will never be again. I miss who I once was. Someone who believed that life was good, who knew her life was blessed. Now, I know the truth. Life can be harsh, life can hurt, life can burn. Another loss.

There was also no privacy. Multiple people asked me if I was seeing a therapist. Would they have felt it was OK to ask if I didn't lose my husband? Probably not. They asked if I was working, how I was spending my days since I'm not. When I am going to go back. There were no boundaries, another loss.

And then I had to go home. To babysitters, and not my husband. The stark reality hit me. I am alone. I am no longer part of a couple, a team. I miss having someone to come home to, someone to care about my day. Someone to help with the kids, the house, to help me figure out my thoughts. Someone to bring me soup when I'm sick, to listen to me vent, to care if I don't come home. Another loss.

I wonder how long it will take me to figure out all of my secondary losses. Everyday I find another loss.

Hope

Today, I feel a little hope. Hope that I will make it through this. Hope that I will make it through stronger. Hope that my kids will make it through. Hope that we will be OK. Probably because I spoke with S, another young widow. And set it up so I can take the kids to a support group.

And then, my heart breaks. I am going to make it through this. Without Bryan. The thing I have to make it through is life without Bryan. Without Bryan.

Our love story

Bryan and I were work acquaintances for years. He told me that he had a crush on me, but since I was older (and "out of his league") he never pursued it. Bryan actually was able to tell me what I wore to my cousin's graduation party to a tee!! And I always thought he was cute and sweet. While looking at pictures from the Yankee 2001 World Series games, Bryan told me "wow you look really beautiful in that picture. You always look pretty, but you look beautiful when you are happy". It made me wonder why I wasn't dating someone like him. I went to the deli frequently to see if he was interested, but he didn't.

Fast forward a couple of months, and my aunt talked to Bryan about going to the movies with me. I had hurt my shoulder and was driving her nuts at home. Bry agreed and we ended up seeing In the Bedroom. I can honestly say that I have never felt chemistry like that before. Sitting next to him in the theater, I knew it was something more than friends watching a movie. We ended up getting lunch at a nearby chinese restaurant. We talked and laughed for hours. It only ended (with a hug!) because I had a commitment. Our second date was the next day, at a mexican restaurant. I so wanted to kiss him, but it ended again (he had a commitment) with just a hug. He called me later that night, and I teased him for cheating me out of a good night kiss. He more than made up for it the next night (apps and drinks at Bennigan's), with a heavy make out session in the car. I knew then I was going to marry him, and Bry told me later that he felt the same way. We talked about getting married the next date.

Our first date to our wedding day was 12 weeks apart. I have never been so sure of anything in my life. It just felt so right, so perfect, so my destiny. While every marriage has it's ups and downs, Bryan and I truly supported and loved each other. We were a united front. And our motto was "together, we can make it through anything". He left a job he loved, when it looked like I was going to have another difficult pregnancy. I left my night job, when he told me he was tired of sleeping at night by himself. Looking back at our marriage, I can see how much we grew together. Each of us drawing from each others strengths, complimenting each other in so many ways. True love.

Beautiful weather

sucks ass. It's as if mother nature is taunting me. "Look what you don't have", as I watch the couples together doing yard work. "Check out what your kids are missing" as we watch families play outside. "The sun is shining, the world is going on, " as no one is home to talk to. Because they are all doing yard work with their s.o. and playing with their families. And let's be honest, who really wants to talk to me. I bore and depress myself. Never mind those who don't have to deal with this every second of every day.

I HATE this nice weather. I HATE couples and families. I HATE myself, who I have become. I HATE this life. I HATE this LIFE. I HATE THIS LIFE.

Life sucks ass.