More realizations

After I wrote my previous post I realized I am back in the blahs. Knowing that I will never be happy again. That I will always know how harsh life can be. That death is always around the corner. And that I will always wonder what life with Bryan would have been like. And that makes me so sad.

But, I also feel like I can't tell people that. That people want me to be OK. Maybe even need me to be OK. And I want to be able to do that for them. Because they have all done so much for me. And it makes me feel so much more alone.

This sucks.

wants

I want my old life back. I am sitting here, thinking about what I had. What I have lost. And it seems so unfair. I want a partner. I want my kids to have a father. I want someone to sit next to in church. I want someone to hold my hand while walking. I want someone to hold me in their arms at night.

Scratch that. I don't want someone. I want Bryan. I. Want. Bryan. I WANT BRYAN!!!!!!!!

And as happy as I am now, it's not even an eighth of as happy as I once was. And that seems so incredibly unfair. That I will never be as happy as I once was. I will forever have a part of me that misses Bryan, that misses what I once had. I will never ever be truly happy.

What a depressing thought.

Only the lonely

I am still feeling pretty happy. Just the old general content with life happy. Which is nice. I've missed it. I've missed me.

Tonight, the kids and I went out to dinner with friends. Friends that Bry and I considered to be like family. I had fun, the kids had fun, and I know Bry would have had fun (which made the night a little hard). I missed Bryan. But, I still laughed.

And then we came home. I got the kids to bed pretty easily. And now, I'm sitting here wasting time before bed. I miss having someone to talk to at night. Someone to laugh about the lack of tater tots at the restaurant. Or to talk about the movie we all plan on seeing together.

But most of all, I miss having someone to curl up next to. Someone to put their arms around me. Someone to make me feel safe and secure. Which makes me feel lonely. And lonely is well, pretty lonely.

sink or swim

I have always loved fall. The cool crisp weather after the thick mugginess of summer. The smell of new pencils and school supplies. Having to switch over the clothes. Not to mention all the fall events; corn mazes, apple picking, football games, pumpkin picking. It just strikes me as a new start, a new year.

This summer I have been dreading fall, it was both of our favorite season. I didn't want to face it without Bryan. I was focused on all the things we won't be able to do together. But something has shifted in me, I can't really put it into words. I'm OK with moving forward. I know I have to move forward, or I'll sink. And I have made a conscious decision to swim. Fake it until I make it, and now I'm starting to make it!!!

I have been taking stock in me as the season has started to change. And I've realized something amazing about myself. I am strong, stronger than I ever gave myself credit for. (and yes, I do hate when people say that to me. But I have to admit it's true!) I also have this new perspective, I realize how little most things really our. And sure, my floors have dust bunnies and there are dishes in my sink. But the kids are happy. And that's all that really matters.

I also know (and accept) that this feeling of being OK won't last forever. That I will slip back into the blahs. And that is OK too. Because I know will be able to swim out of it.

Proof

I wrote this right before my birthday, and have toyed with posting vs. editing it. I've noticed my writing is kind of crappy when I am upset, but it's honest. So, I've decided to risk it and let you guys read my thoughts as they came. I will tell you tears were pouring out of my eyes as I wrote this...

Today, I was cleaning out Bryan's work bag and I found it. Proof that he really was the amazing husband I remember him as. Proof that we had an amazing relationship. Proof that he really loved me and was happy with me. I found a card. Not just any card. But an I love you, life is perfect with you, and look forward to spending forever with you card. And he had already given me a Valentine's Day card. So this was a just because card. It would have made me smile before. Today, it made me drop to my knees and cry. And then it made me angry with him.

I had a fairy tale marriage, to my prince charming who loved me more than anything. He was perfect for me and a great guy. Which makes this so incredibly hard. I accept that sucky things happen. That I will see him again on the other side. I get that. But I miss him so much.

I miss him because he was such a great husband and father. A man who sings to his kids every night and buys his wife love cards just because. If he was a crappier partner and dad, we wouldn't miss him so much. And I am so angry with him for being so perfect.

meds

I have been off the crazy meds for a while now. And I am not sure how it is going. I am functioning; the kids cared for, I am dressed everyday and the house is my new clean (you can't eat off the floors, but the house won't be condemmed either). But I miss having the edge taken off. When I was on the meds, I felt fuzzy around the edges. That things didn't penetrate me as much.

And part of me wants to take them again. To not have to focus on this pain so much. I miss Bryan. I want him back. I know it won't happen. And it hurts. So much.

I will be honest here too. I have taken to spending money. On back to school supplies and clothes for the kids, clothes for me (justified in my mind because I've lost all this weight), and things to "redo" the house. It takes the edge off for a little bit. The excitement of a great deal, the new items. Without Bryan to hold me accountable for my spending, it's a little out of control. It's as if I am trying to buy Bryan. The feeling I got when he was around. His hugs.

If only I could buy Bryan back!

Faking it

My motto has been "fake it until you make it". And I'm not sure how well I am doing at that. I feel like a house of cards that is about to collapse.

I don't care about my patients at work. I really don't. And I know that is a horrible trait for a nurse to have. But I especially hate the ones I have right now. They are whiny, demanding, and have no concept of reality. Who calls some one 6 minutes after the scheduled visit (and really, I give myself a 30 minute window) and states "you're late", without even a hello first. Or who's baby shower is "ruined" because I show up 15 minutes early. I just want to yell at them. Tell them that they have no idea how horrible life can be. And if their biggest complaint is because their visiting nurse didn't show up on time (and let's be honest, how unreasonable is it to expect a visiting nurse to show up at an exact time?), they should get on their knees and thank their lucky stars. I am not trying to be woe is me, just want people to have a little perspective. And not be such bitches.

I also feel like a horrible mom. The kids drive me crazy on a daily basis. The fighting, the yelling, the whining, the not cleaning up after themselves. My list could go on and on. And every time I have to deal with them, I am reminded that I am a single parent. I never wanted to be doing this alone. And let me tell you. It sucks. And I am not just a single parent, I am a widowed parent. I am dealing with my grief, their grief, and trying to be "OK" for the rest of the world. All at the same time, that is a lot harder than being a single parent. I resent every person who tries to make comparisons. Or worse, the people who state "my so is gone all week, I know what it's like". Really, you do? Because you have weekends off, you aren't dealing with your hopes and dreams being shattered. And if you are a single parent because of divorce, someone made the choice. Chose to be with someone else, to fall out of love, to take the easy way out. Again, get a little perspective people.

I am at my wits end, trying to pretend. I am not OK. Everything will not be ok. Why can't people see that? Can't they see through my house of cards?

Vertigo

I have been suffering from occasional vertigo. I read somewhere in the begining of all of this, that it is common in widows. It seemed like a random ailment.

And then I started to suffer from it. It hits out of no where, without warning. Sometimes it's brief, and sometimes it lasts hours.

Today was a hard day at work. Just general crazies and mean people. It was annoying and upsetting. I would have called Bryan. He would have listened, sympathized, tried to "fix it" and then made me laugh. And while I was driving to a patients house, I realized I have no one to talk to. Yes, I do know that people love me and would listen. But they wouldn't have the system down like Bryan did.

And that's when today's vertigo started. I was feeling fine before that. I'm sure there is a medical reason why it happens to widows. But I've come up with my own. I think it's the bodies reaction to this new life of the perpetual feeling of being off kilter, so unsure of myself. And I need to find my new center of gravity, since Bryan was always it. I just wish it was a quick fix.

Dear Bryan,

I just wanted to let you know that I still do those things that annoy you. I throw scraps into the sink when I am cooking, I stuff the garbage way too tight (and you are right, that is annoying) and I fall asleep while watching movies.

But I am also doing new things too. I am worried about our budget all the time (ironic, now that the only person coming to the budget meetings is me!). I am handling the house stuff in stride (well, with some help from your dad). I am venturing into new things, without you to cheerlead me into them.

I miss all the little things about you. How your tongue stuck out while you were concentrating (Dylan does that too!). How you drove the long distances. How you took care of me when I was sick, sad or just plain annoyed. How WHENEVER you caught a glimpse of me naked you would smile and say "looking good" (and really, how cruel is it that I lost all this weight and you aren't here to enjoy it!!!). How the love you showed me and the kids was in everything you did.

I am also missing you everyday. Waiting to know the big picture. And I am slowly not just staying here for the kids. But for me, and for my new adventures. I am proud of who I am becoming. I hope you are too. I was so proud to be your wife. Every time I saw your wedding ring, I would think to myself "wow, he's mine!". And I proud to be your widow. To know, we made it. Forever. I just wish forever was a little longer.

All my love, forever and always,
Me

PS Where is your chili recipe?

friends

Went out with friends last night. Bry's friends. My friends now. And feel like maybe I talked about him too much. That I put a morbid twist on the night. But I had fun. I like them. A lot. And to be honest, I am so afraid of losing them too. Of their friendship being another secondary loss.

Then I came home, and realized AGAIN, that I am alone. But what was different this time was, I am OK with that. Not OK, because I'd give anything to have Bry back. But it's not such a crushing blow anymore. And I'm not sure how to feel about that. Because, in the end, I miss my friend.

They mock me I tell you!

Every time I open my kitchen cabinets, they mock me. Taunting me with memories. Sitting there so smugly, forcing me to remember. Remember all the meals we had together, the talks we had over them. But most of all, every time I look at one or worse use one, I am brought back to the day we registered for our wedding. We both wanted a different set. Bry wanted a brighter pattern (it was LOUD) and I wanted a simple understated set (aka plain white). We compromised and agreed on the ones that now mock me. Every time I open those cabinets, I think of how great we were at marriage. How we talked things through, came up with a compromise we were both happy with, but if we couldn't compromise, we settled things with Rock, Paper, Scissors. Every time I open the cabinets, they remind me of who I became with Bryan. We didn't get the plain white boring set I wanted because Bryan brought color into my life, he encouraged me to take chances. And every time I open those cabinets, they mock me with what I have lost. Who knew dishes could be so menacing, so mean, so emotion producing. I am starting to hate them, with a passion.

So I came up with a brilliant plan, if I do say so myself. I am going to break those dishes into pieces. I can picture myself letting go of all the anger, throwing each dish, hearing the shatter. And it makes me smile. A real smile. (I can hear the neighbors now, "Hello, is this the police? Yes, I believe the widow has really lost it! She's breaking dishes in her backyard!!") I just hope I get either an officer with a sense of humor, or one I know who will let it go!

And then after those menacing objects are a pile of pieces. I am going to have my friends over, my friends who have been helping me pick up my pieces, and we are going to make a mosaic piece. I can picture the finished project, and it makes me smile too. Because things can be just as beautiful, even once they are broken and put back together. Not the same, but still beautiful.

That will teach the dishes for mocking me. Hopefully, it will be a lesson for the rest of the house.

The Ride

I have become accustomed to the roller coaster ride of grief. I've even been able to joke about it. But this weekend has been a new low I haven't seen, nor was it one I was expecting.

Last forth of July I was sick with the swine flu. And didn't get to spend it with Bryan. And the year before, I worked at the hospital. Extra shifts, because there was a sick kid in the unit, and who would take care of her if I didn't. And the year before, I worked extra shifts for the money. In all honesty, I don't know that I really ever spent Independence Day with him. Curled up in his arms, sitting on a blanket, watching the fireworks. I know it is something we always meant to do, just something we never did.

And then I let myself go even lower on the ride. I started thinking about all the regrets. The comfy underwear I wore instead of the sexy ones, the nights I feel asleep watching movies with Bryan, the times he called but I was on the other line, the times I just wanted a few minutes to myself. The little things I let annoy me. The list got too long to even remember.

And then, I went even lower. I started thinking about all the decisions we had made. That had I known how our life would have ended up, I would have made differently. I would never had worked nights for all those years, I would have encouraged him to follow his dreams and not worry about the steady paycheck, the nights we did our own thing, instead of spending them together. And that list got too long to even face.

I haven't felt that low, or that alone in a long time. And I think what made it hardest for me, was the fact there was really no one there. I have been doing so well for the last few months, that I don't think anyone wanted to hear me say how hard it has been. Nor were they really around, not only was it a weekend (family time!) but a holiday to boot! Which has made me feel like a soda bottle, shaken not opened. Ready to explode. Afraid of the mess it would make one it did get opened

But, then like I almost forgot, I made it through the low. And I am on my way back up. Knowing I am stronger then I ever gave myself credit for. Proud of my chutzpa. And at the same time, a little sad knowing I had no choice.

I miss my cheerleader, at a time when I need him the most. And it hurts. More than words can say. And I wonder, if our motto was always "together, we can make it through". How can I make it through with out him?

Another loss

One step forward, two steps back. It seems to be my motto lately. I was feeling such hope, and then in a flash it was gone. And I spent days not wanting to get out of my pj's and off the couch. I know what the catalyst was, realizing my secondary losses can send me spiraling down in an instant. I'm just not sure I can avoid facing these secondary losses.

Wednesday night, I went to book club which was always something I used to enjoy. And it really hit me. I'm no longer running it, another loss.

I was sitting around the table with a bunch of wives, and I realized I am a widow. I don't fit in. I don't fit in a group I used to thrive in. Another loss.

And almost everyone there expected me to be the person I once was. Someone I honestly know I will never be again. I miss who I once was. Someone who believed that life was good, who knew her life was blessed. Now, I know the truth. Life can be harsh, life can hurt, life can burn. Another loss.

There was also no privacy. Multiple people asked me if I was seeing a therapist. Would they have felt it was OK to ask if I didn't lose my husband? Probably not. They asked if I was working, how I was spending my days since I'm not. When I am going to go back. There were no boundaries, another loss.

And then I had to go home. To babysitters, and not my husband. The stark reality hit me. I am alone. I am no longer part of a couple, a team. I miss having someone to come home to, someone to care about my day. Someone to help with the kids, the house, to help me figure out my thoughts. Someone to bring me soup when I'm sick, to listen to me vent, to care if I don't come home. Another loss.

I wonder how long it will take me to figure out all of my secondary losses. Everyday I find another loss.

Hope

Today, I feel a little hope. Hope that I will make it through this. Hope that I will make it through stronger. Hope that my kids will make it through. Hope that we will be OK. Probably because I spoke with S, another young widow. And set it up so I can take the kids to a support group.

And then, my heart breaks. I am going to make it through this. Without Bryan. The thing I have to make it through is life without Bryan. Without Bryan.

Our love story

Bryan and I were work acquaintances for years. He told me that he had a crush on me, but since I was older (and "out of his league") he never pursued it. Bryan actually was able to tell me what I wore to my cousin's graduation party to a tee!! And I always thought he was cute and sweet. While looking at pictures from the Yankee 2001 World Series games, Bryan told me "wow you look really beautiful in that picture. You always look pretty, but you look beautiful when you are happy". It made me wonder why I wasn't dating someone like him. I went to the deli frequently to see if he was interested, but he didn't.

Fast forward a couple of months, and my aunt talked to Bryan about going to the movies with me. I had hurt my shoulder and was driving her nuts at home. Bry agreed and we ended up seeing In the Bedroom. I can honestly say that I have never felt chemistry like that before. Sitting next to him in the theater, I knew it was something more than friends watching a movie. We ended up getting lunch at a nearby chinese restaurant. We talked and laughed for hours. It only ended (with a hug!) because I had a commitment. Our second date was the next day, at a mexican restaurant. I so wanted to kiss him, but it ended again (he had a commitment) with just a hug. He called me later that night, and I teased him for cheating me out of a good night kiss. He more than made up for it the next night (apps and drinks at Bennigan's), with a heavy make out session in the car. I knew then I was going to marry him, and Bry told me later that he felt the same way. We talked about getting married the next date.

Our first date to our wedding day was 12 weeks apart. I have never been so sure of anything in my life. It just felt so right, so perfect, so my destiny. While every marriage has it's ups and downs, Bryan and I truly supported and loved each other. We were a united front. And our motto was "together, we can make it through anything". He left a job he loved, when it looked like I was going to have another difficult pregnancy. I left my night job, when he told me he was tired of sleeping at night by himself. Looking back at our marriage, I can see how much we grew together. Each of us drawing from each others strengths, complimenting each other in so many ways. True love.

Beautiful weather

sucks ass. It's as if mother nature is taunting me. "Look what you don't have", as I watch the couples together doing yard work. "Check out what your kids are missing" as we watch families play outside. "The sun is shining, the world is going on, " as no one is home to talk to. Because they are all doing yard work with their s.o. and playing with their families. And let's be honest, who really wants to talk to me. I bore and depress myself. Never mind those who don't have to deal with this every second of every day.

I HATE this nice weather. I HATE couples and families. I HATE myself, who I have become. I HATE this life. I HATE this LIFE. I HATE THIS LIFE.

Life sucks ass.

Anger

today I hate everything, everyone. So, I'm going to try and avoid the phone. Let my anger fester, without risking hurting anyone. It feels good to feel anything. I've been so numb. So, I thought I would list who I was angry at. To continue to feel

1. New brides, engaged couples. I want to scream at them that there is no happy ever after. Don't buy into the scam. Run, run away. Don't let someone become your everything. Because when they are gone, and they will be gone, you will be left with nothing. NOTHING!!!
2. Married couples because they have what I don't. Especially OLD married couples.
3. The stupid census bureau. I filled out the paperwork, and realized that there was no spot for widow. Which groups me with single parents. I am NOT a single parent. I never wanted to be one, never planned on being one. I do not want to be one. Please census people, let me check widow. I just want to be able to be able to qualify my single parent status as unwanted.
4. Those who "know what's best for me" or even better those that "understand what I am going through"
5. The people who have not called, sent me an email, facebook message. And trust me, I know who they are. While I may not remember everyone who was there, I completely remember who was not.
6. The ME office. How freakin' long does it take to find a cause of death? Do they not care that people are waiting? Do they not realize the agony of every day, not knowing?
7. Married couples who don't realize what they have. Hug them, love them. Soon, it will be all over for you too. And you will never have a chance to love them again. And I can tell you, that sucks and hurts and is just not pretty.
8. People who don't get how short life is. Because, it is waaayyyy too short.
9. Myself, for feeling so angry. For becoming this person. For losing things, forgetting things.For being such a crappy mom. For second guessing the love Bryan and I shared, his happiness.
10. Bryan. How could he leave me? How DARE he leave me? He promised me forever. Why didn't he give me forever?

Surprisingly, the one "thing" I am not angry at. God.

should have been ...

the guy who didn't care about his wife. Who cheats, beats, or is just plain old mean. NOT someone who would call his wife just to say he loved her, who brought his wife coffee every morning, who provided so well for his family, spiritually, emotionally, monetarily.

the dead beat dad, who walked away from his family. Not a father who sang every night to his children, who hugged and kissed them every chance he got, who never missed a chance to say how proud he was of them.

the man who never made anything of himself. Who blamed others for everything and anything. NOT someone who took responsibility, who tried daily to better himself.

me. Bryan was the better parent. The nicer person (always willing to see other people's side of a story). A more supportive partner. Better prepared to handle this.

It should have been anyone else. NOT Bryan.

One Month Today

One month ago today, my life was perfect. We had returned from a long weekend away as a family. Bryan brought me coffee in bed, like he always did and kissed me goodbye. We went to work (school for the kids), and did the normal daily hustle. Bryan sang the kids their goodnight song, and we had our usual Monday night date at home. He went to bed, I stayed up to watch TV. The last thing he said to me was "I'm looking forward to sleeping next to you tonight".

Then my world changed. I have relived Monday night over and over. Finding him unresponsive on the floor of our bedroom (after hearing a yell), calling 911, calling family, giving him a breath, the emergency crew in our house, hearing them say "dial it to 200", knowing what was happening, refusing to believe it. Thinking about all the things I could have done differently, should have done differently.

And now, this is my world. How is this my world? How am I picking out his urn? Worrying about thank you cards for (the amazing amount) of support we have received? How am I facing life without him? Because in reality, life without my best friend, in a word, SUCKS. I'm not sure how to do this.